What Violent Crime Victim Services Means to Me
By Memarie Dhillon

There is NOTHING more devastating than to find out that your loved one has been murdered.

Hi, my name is Memarie Dhillon and my 8-year-old daughter was murdered on Easter-April 20th, 2003 in Hawaii.

     I was so SHOCKED! I felt so lost. I can remember sitting on the bed/couch and spacing out for hours at a time. I had NO clue that there were services out there to help someone like myself cope. I was a mess! I literally didn't know what to do. Thank GOD I had a resourceful neighbor because in no-time flat she had come up with Violent Crime Victim Services name and number and before I knew it a victim advocate was at my door willing to help me with all aspects of my grief and crisis.

     I had no idea that there were services like "Violent Crime Victim Services". I had no idea that there was a monthly support group that I could attend and that there was also Crime Victims Compensation that I could get to help with the funeral costs. By the end of our first meeting, I felt that I wasn't alone any more. This advocate unfortunately has had first-hand experience because he had a daughter who was also a murder victim several years ago. Trust me, that makes all the difference. Just knowing that someone truly understands what you are going through.

     And that is what is so great about Violent Crime Victim Services support group. It's a shame that anyone has to go there but Thank God it's there when we need it. For me, personally, It helped me to know that there were others in there who TRULY understood my pain and I could talk about my daughter and not feel like I was burdening others, because eventually that DOES happen. People get tired of your grieving and will start avoiding you because it makes them feel uncomfortable. The group is a sort of "Safe-House". What happens in the group stays in the group. I remember the very first time I attended the group and I heard these people telling their stories, some of whom have lost 4 members of their family all at once. I kept thinking to myself-WOW, if these people can lose FOUR precious members of their family to murder and they are still surviving and making it…SO CAN I! I can't imagine what it would be like to have FOUR lives ripped from my family-let alone the one that I am so desperately missing already. Thank God for Violent Crime Victim Services and their OUTREACH. They have made a tragic situation for myself and hundreds of others more bearable, and for this grieving mother, I thank them.

 

A Family Heals by Getting Involved
By Lew Cox

     Melva Elmore and her son Wes are members of Alliance Against Domestic Violence (AADV). Founded by Ardith DeRaad in 1999, this organization provides speakers to address domestic violence offenders through impact panels in Fife, Sumner and Auburn. The objective of panel participants such as Melva and Wes is to have an impact on first-time offenders by talking about their own personal experiences with domestic violence. They are hopeful that the program, which includes a video about domestic violence and participation from other speakers, will help offenders see the potential consequences of their continued violence. They also hope this program will encourage offenders to seek help before their behavior becomes lethal.

     Once a month Melva and Wes speak to firsttime offenders who have been charged with domestic violence. The road that led them to speaking on this panel has been the roughest experience of their lives.

     On September 11, 1998, Melva’s daughter, Renee, along with Renee’s children, 4-year-old Logan, 6-year-old Amanda and 8-year-old Geoffrey, were murdered as a result of domestic violence. Soon after the incident, the Elmore family was informed about Violent Crime Victim Services, which provides assistance to family and friends of homicide victims. A crisis intervention debriefing was set up with them to discuss what happened, offer support group services to help them cope with their grief and provide victim advocates to assist them in navigating through the complex and confusing criminal justice system. The assistance of VCVS provided the Elmore family with a sense of relief during a terribly confusing time.

     Melva started attending the support group immediately, but it took Wes a little longer. He didn’t think a support group was his style, or was speaking in front of a group about very personal issues. One evening, following surgery on her foot, Melva asked Wes to drive her to the support group because she couldn’t drive. On the way there, Wes told himself he wasn’t going to say anything at the meeting, that he was only there because his mother needed a ride. That was in 1999, and the only time that Wes has missed a group meeting since is when he and his mother attended the murder trial of his sister in Florida. He said he didn’t realize how beneficial going to a peer support group meeting would be for him until he attended that first night. Listening to others talk that night and joining in later himself made him realize how much he hadn’t been dealing with since the death of his sister, niece and two nephews.

     As Melva and Wes continued on their journey through the maze of grief recovery and the criminal justice system, they realized they wanted to reach out to other crime victims. They saw that some members of the group were able to take their pain and turn it into something positive by helping other co-victims as court companions during the murder trials of their loved ones. They knew they could get the training and be in a position to help other victims. They took the 25-hour homicide advocacy training course. Based on their personal experiences they knew they wanted to be a part of a domestic violence impact panel. Soon after their training they were interviewed by Alliance Against Domestic Violence and became part of the impact panel. Melva is a soft-spoken grandmother who stands 5 feet 2. Wes is a truck driver who hasn’t had any formal speaking experience. Yet, every month, the two of them are compelled to stand in front of a large group of men and women who have been arrested for domestic violence. It is a group of people who don’t want to be there, and who are only there because the courts have ordered them to be there. The attitude of the group does not deter Melva and Wes from doing what they are there to do. Working as a team, they tell their story using a foldout display with pictures of Renee and her children during the different stages of their short lives. Wes talks about his own experiences growing up seeing his mother abused by his dad.

     Melva challenges the group to come to their senses, deal with their problems and get the help they need before someone else ends up dead. Many of the offenders who attended the impact panels thank them for telling their story and tell them their story has made them want to change.

     Melva and Wes have been involved with the impact panel for over two years. It has been therapeutic for them to speak to offenders, and has helped them come to terms with many aspects of the recovery process. It has helped them cope with the fact that their family members were taken away from them through a brutal act of domestic violence. They believe if what they’re doing influences one offender to change, then they’re honoring Renee and her children. This mother and son say if it wasn’t for the services they have received from the people at Violent Crime Victim Services, they would not be where they are today. They know from experience that it takes months and years to develop a healthy mind set when someone in your family has been murdered.

     There are two more family members of Violent Crime Victim Services who participate on the impact panel. They are Sheila Powell, whose 18-year-old daughter was murdered in 1997, due to domestic violence, and Priscilla Warmbow, whose twin 20-year-old daughters were murdered in 1998, due to domestic violence. Both of these women are grandmothers who are raising their grandchildren because their daughters were victims of an abusive relationship they were trying to end. Domestic Violence is a serious health problem in the United States. Nearly six thousand (6000) women a year are killed at the hands of someone who’s supposed to love them. Many of these women feel unable to rescue themselves from their abuser; because their abuser has threatened to kill them, their family, or their children if they even think about leaving them. Domestic violence is all about power and control. Often victims of domestic violence feel that they have the power to change their abuser and nothing is going to make them leave him. For that reason, family and friends of the victim will eventually distance themselves from them. There are domestic violence resources in every major city in the U.S. If you know someone who is in an intimate relationship with an abuser, please try and put them in touch with a domestic violence hotline. You may just be saving their lives, and you may be preventing a family from becoming members of Violent Crime Victim Services homicide support group.

If you or someone you know is the victim of domestic
violence, contact the Domestic Violence hotline at 1-
800-562-6025

 

Letter from the Executive Director
By Lew Cox

     You may have noticed the news media reporting extreme violence in a number of murder cases recently. A question asked of me often …”Is the homicide rate up or down”? My answer to that question is the percentage rate of homicide is down from what it was ten years ago. However, for some unknown reason there seems to be a trend to be as cruel and vicious as possible in many homicide cases. In a seven-day period in July, there were nine people murdered due to domestic violence relationships. In one case, five people were murdered by an enraged man who poured gasoline on his three small children and their mother, while he was driving a car. He then lit a cigarette lighter and the car exploded into flames. All of the occupants including the enraged man were burned to death. The question becomes, how could someone perform such an act, and where in the world does someone come up with such an evil idea? Is it Hollywood movies? Is it video games? Is it drugs or violent TV programs? What is it that is causing people to dream up extreme and bizarre ways of taking someone’s life?

     One day I was buying some camera batteries at a store that also rented and sold videos games. There was a young man standing in line ahead of me asking the clerk if any of the video games had any blood in them. When the clerk said no, the young man turned and started to walk away. I asked him, “Are you saying, if no blood, no buy? ” He said, “If no blood, no buy “ and he walked away. He was a well-dressed young man about 14 years old.

     I deal with families of violent crime victims every day and I think I’ve heard just about every horrendous way a person could die. I suspect that many of the things I mentioned are contributing factors as to why there is an increase of abominable behaviors in some individuals. If a child’s mind is allowed to be subjected to violent movies and videos year after year, then what kind of condition will that mind eventually end up in? We are in the midst of an up hill battle as a society. Some in the entertainment industry want to control the minds of our innocent youth, and they use the First Amendment to support their right to pollute young minds.

     I am, however, encouraged by the chain stores (in this case it was Fred Meyer) across the country that are willing to keep their wholesome family image by not selling video games with “blood violence” contents in them. Oh sure, that young boy most likely went out and searched until he found a store that sold video games with blood violence in them. The point is there are some chain stores out there that abide by moral principals and they’re not going to cave in just to make a buck. And I salute them!